Thursday, 2 February 2012

The Loony Bunch

I wrote this last year in Form 1 when Miss Suthiphongchai was my teacher. We all called her Miss Su, and I think you know why...
The Loony Bunch (feel free to try this out!)

Act 1 : Mrs. Pratchett’s Candy Shop
P: (Licks hand and puts it in a cookie jar. Waits a moment, feels bored and sticks grubby finger up nose.)
AWS: (Walks into the shop sees P picking her nose.) Ewwwwww! Disgusting! Revolting!
P: I never say welcome to my customers. Ya just keep those slimy fingers off ma precious caaaaaandieeeees.
A: You’re the only who has slimy fingers!
P: Shaddup, ya silly wretched girl.
W: Lady, do you know that on an average thumbnail, there are 1 million bacteria? And do you that you should wash yer hands every hour to keep them 25% clean? And do you know…..
P: Old man, I don’t care for no brains.
S: Nothing compared to a good old jog. (Jogs on the spot.)
P: (This time scratches armpits, then shoves hand into sugar-mice jar.
A: EWWWWWWWWW!
B: Hey sorry guys, I had a severe case of diarrhea. How’s it all goin’ ? Bought any candy? (Picks a bunch of lemon drops and pops them into his mouth. Chews slowly and walks out of the candy shop.) (From backstage) Hmmmmm… Finger-flavoured lemon drops? Not ma cup o’ coffee!
W: He just ate dirt!
S: That’s nothing! You won’t die of Pratchett disease, but you will suffer when you stop jogging more than two minutes.
P: Hey, Bill didn’t pay me no money!!! (Runs out of candy shop after the long-gone Bill.)
Bill: I got no money!
Pratchett: Well well well. He he. Then ya gotta let me join yer tour fer freeeeeeeeee! (screeching)
Bill: Okay…

Scene 2---In the jeep driving on the road
Bill: Don’t you just love nature? See that bush? Fantastic! And can you see…
P: Just watch where you’re driving! (Snappy)
Bill: Okay. But you ought to take time and appreciate the beauty of the natural… SCREEEECH!
All: AHHHHH!
Pratchett: Told you!
Anna: Oh no!! We are trapped in the safari!!
Bill: It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.
Wood: Experts have shown that there will be a 70 percent of dying rate if trapped in the safari.
Sport: Whoa! Let’s jog our way out, dudes!!
Bill: It’s ok! It’s ok! It’s ok!
Prat: It ain’t not ok, or I’m gonna hit your head off!!
(Bill driving jeep while talking)
Bill: Come on everybody. Please calm down. See that waterhole? It’s so …
(Brakes screech. Everyone lurches forward)
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!! We crashed into a termite hill!
Anna: EWWW!
Prat: Hehehe!! Termites are just right for filthy forks as candies!
Wood: Termites are believed to be filthy, dirty, disgusting pests that will cause timber and agriculture damage. They mostly feed on dead plant…
Sport: Hoiy! Have you had enough!
(Termites crawling under their feet)
Anna: Ew! Termites under our feet!!
(Anna and Prat jumping up and down)
Sport: Pik those legs uuup! (demonstrate by jumping really high)
Bill: Calm down. Calm down. We should just get back to the car.
(All climbs up on the car)
(Bill tries to start the jeep but can’t)
Bill: Uh Oh!. It isn’t working!
Prat: You filthy beast!
Bill: I’m sorry everyone…but today’s the sign of Alpha, which means unlucky…
Sport: Ooosh! We’re dead as a dodo!
Anna: (suddenly points her finger to their right) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ah! (everyone starts at her direction)
Sport: Hoiy!! What is that?
Wood: Hm...according to the California State University, it is an antelope.
Bill: For the first time, brainy, you’re wrong. It’s a wilderbeest.
Prat: Either you forks charge that beast, or ain’t gonna have no candy!
Anna: (in a squeaky voice)Ah! Run! Run! Run!
Sport: Fasta! Fasta! Fasta!
(all runs towards a bush and hides)
Bill: Phew! I thought we were going to die. Now let’s find a way out. (leaves)
Sport: I’ll go the other way, okay?
Bill: Fine. Go look for the fantastic giraffe, they have a tongue three inches long! (Points)

We Turn Against Each Other
W: According to my information, this bush is completely hidden and there is no way for anybody to find us, unless Running Sport comes back here and finds us missing.
P: (shrieking) IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!!! (pointing at Bill) HE LED US INTO THIS TRAP! HE MUST WORK FOR THE CANNIBALS!!! aHHHH~
B: Calm down, Candy! No I don’t work for the cannibals, I think human flesh tastes disgusting!
A: But how do you know human flesh tastes disgusting if you haven’t tried it before?
Bill: Er… Erm…
W: According to my info, human flesh has the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.
A: EWWWW!!!!! That is DISGUSTING!
P: (points at Bill) HE WANTS TO SEPARATE ME FROM MY DEAR RUNNING!!!
(ALL start bickering)
B: (Bellowing) PLEASE! Arguing isn’t going to help anything! We need to solve this in a logical way!
A: He’s right, we should be logical.
W: That is the only solution, guys.
P: (reluctantly) AL-RIGHT. But I’m NOT going ANYWHERE near CANNIBALS.
B: Ok…….. we need a plan…….. Hmmmm (thinking)
W: I think we should shout to attract attention by making some noise!
P: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Everybody covers ears)
A: What was THAT for?!
P: Ah…..nothing…… just trying out my lungs……
B: That’s great! She’s really loud!
W: Let’s all bellow at the top of our voices. Oh, and at the same pitch, it gives more resonance.
B: Everybody…..ahh……. (giving note)
ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(animal sounds in the distance)
P: I HEAR SOMETHING!
B: Me too……… Shh….. everybody…….
W: It sounds like a safari animal.
A: Well of COURSE it’s a safari animal. (rolls eyes)
P: I just can’t remember…….. I’ve heard sound before…….
(all think)
ALL: I KNOW! It’s an ELEPHANT!
~End of Scene~

Elephant To The Rescue
(Narrator: Meanwhile, the Sports Teacher, Running Sport, has been jogging in the safari.)
S: Hmm….. It’s getting dark, I must head back to the bush.
(starts heading in other direction, jogs to the bush)
S: Oh no! What is THIS?! Wilderbeest hoove marks!
S: My dear Candy! She is not here! Nor are the others! Where are they? And why has the bush been blown up?!
(Walks around the bush, kneels down)
S: Sobbing… Boo- hooo…
(hears sounds of shouting)
S: They must be trapped in that bush! But it is too dangerous to go in there, I might get trapped too………
(Sees an elephant in the distance)
S: I have an idea! (Takes P’s candies out of pocket) Ahh…. I always knew Candy’s amazing confectionery would come in handy someday.
(Throws a worm into the bush, with accuracy to the spot)
(Elephant scrambles around the bush for the worm, opening a path right up to where the others are trapped)
(S runs up to them)
S: Oh Candy! I am SO glad to see you again!
P: ME TOO HONEY!! I thought I would be eaten by CANNIBALS! I thought I’d never see you again! ( on the verge of tears)
S: Don’t cry, honey…… It makes me so sad………
A: EWWWWW!!!! That’s so SWEET I want to PUKE!
W: According to my information, this kind of actions is not suitable for children under 18 years of age. I also suggest that Anna NOT puke, because vomit contains a lot of different kinds of germs.
P: Do you know that I can make candy from PUKE?
S: Oh my DEAR, that is SUCH GENIUS!
Others: UGHHHHH………..
~End of Scene~

The Loony Bunch-Wedding scene:
Setting: Church inside the safari
W: (Clear his throat) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that today is the union of two faithful souls.
(Bell chimes, P and S comes in and smiles at each other, A walks behind them)
W: May we present, Mr Bill, to conduct the ceremony.
(P jogs at the spot, S licks her fingers and A picks her nose)
W: Stop it, three of you. Do you want to spoil your wedding? For your information, running makes you sweat, and sweat contains the chemicals of odorants 2-methylphenol and 4-methylphenol, as well as a small amount of urea which will give you an unpleasant smell. As for you two ladies…
B: (shouts) Do you want this wedding to continue or not?
(Everyone fells silent and remained still. A and W retreated to their seats.)
B: Do you, Running Sport, take Candy Pratchett, as your legally approved wife?
S: I told you that I don’t want to have these silly ceremonies! Of course I do!
B: Then we proceed. Do you, Candy Pratchett, take Run…
P: I do! Give us those silly papers to sign now!
(S and P embrace each other, Sport hands Pratchett a candy ring)
Pratchett: Oh dearie, a candy ring made of worms! How thoughtful, Sport!
A: (sniff) Awww… that was so sweet…
W: I don’t personally think their life after will be sweet, judged by…
A: Don’t spoil the wedding!
(S and P sign papers while A and W are talking)
B: Then I declare you bonded by life.
(S and P embrace while A and W cheer)
A and W: Congratulations!
S: Candy, will you join me in running in this jungle, so that we can spend time alone…
P: Of course, Darling! Do you want some of my flobberworm gums?
S: We’ll eat them while we’re running…
(S and P jogs off)
A: (Crying) I am so happy for them. Believe it or not, they’re a married couple!
W: Well, let’s go. There isn’t anything for us to do here.
(A, W and B walks away)
(Everyone comes out again)
Bill: And that was the end of the loony bunch. Thank you.

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