Scrumdidilyumtious

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Cast: Mr.Turkentine, Charlie Bucket, Winkelmann, Girl (June Marie), Boy (Christopher), Tom, Bill, Man, Woman, Kids, Crowd, Sound Effects

Scene 1 School

(Students are playing; Charlie is sitting in his chair reading)

Boy: Hey! who wants to play Duck Duck Goose?

Kids: Me me me me! (runs over to Christopher)

Boy: OK let me see...one two three…(counts)Hm…one more…

Girl: How about Charlie Bucket?

Charlie: (slowly looks up) I’m reading.

Kids: (look over) You’re a nerd!

Kids: Ya Charlie’s a nerd! 

(heavy footsteps heard)

Jane: (walk into class with bags, running) Hey! How ‘bout me? I wanna play too!

Tom: Let’s go out and play!

(Sounds of frolicking reaches the classroom from the playground. Pause. Bell rings)

Boy: Hey! I want to go to the bathroom. Why don’t  you guys go in first?

(Charlie Bucket is quietly sitting in his chair when June Marie and Tom rush into the classroom.)

Mr. Turkentine: (Walks in and bows) Good Morning, class!

Kids: (Bows mockingly) Good Morning Mr. TurKEY!!! 

Mr. Turkentine: My name is Mr. Turkentine. Say that again!

Kids: Good morning Mr. TurkEYTINE!!!

Mr. Turkentine: (Rolls eyes at the audience) whatever…

Christopher: (Pats Turkey on the shoulder) anybody home?!!

Mr. Turkentine: Headmistress! (turns frantically) Ahem. (smmoths himself, consults watch) Christopher! You’re five minutes and thirty-six seconds late for class!

Christopher: (Rolls eyes at the audience, muttering) you’re the one who is crazy!

(Kids sit down. One moment of silence)

Boy: (Bang on desk/lap) Yo man! (Throws a paper plane and quickly sits down.)

Mr. Turkentine: Owww! (Rub back of head.) 

(Kids sniggers.)

MR. TURKENTINE: (Claps hands) Order! Order, please!

Boy: I’d like a hamburger and fries, please.

(Kids: More sniggers!)

Mr. Turkentine: (very angry, stuttering, pointing) Christopher, you! (finger trembling) Go and stand in the corner!

Boy: (Stomp to the corner.) Humph!

Mr Turkentine: Who is playing with the red thing? (points)

Tom: Tee hee hee! (waves laser at audience, laugh)

Mr Turkentine: (wags finger) Now put that away. If I see it one more time, I will change your seats! Now let’s begin our science experiment!

Mr. Turkentine: (Returns to face class, searches for a student) Charlie Bucket.

CHARLIE: Yes, Mr. Turkentine?

MR. TURKENTINE: I shall need an assistant for the experiment.  Come and give me a hand. (Beckons with hand)  

     (Charlie joins him at the front.)

Boy: (singing) Charlie Bucket, teacher’s pet!

(Kids snigger)

Boy: (singing even more louder) Charlie Bucket, teacher’s pet!

Kids: (chanting) teacher’s pet, teacher’s pet!

Mr. Turkentine: HUSH! No talking at the back!! 

Kids: (someone blows raspberry) You’re the only one talking! (sniggers, chatter)

Mr. Turkentine: (loud)We have here!!!(quiet down) a special list of ingredients of my own. (gestures) It's horrible (sway right), dangerous (Sway left) stuff; blows you up (jumps up).  But mixed together in the right way, as only I know how, what do you think it makes?

CHARLIE: I don’t know, sir. (Scratch head)

MR. TURKENTINE: Of course you don't know.  You don't know because only I know.  If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you.  And for a student to teach his teacher is presumptuous and rude.  Do I make myself clear?

CHARLIE: (Scratches head again, wait a moment.)Yes, sir.

     (The students laugh.)

MR. TURKENTINE: Good.  Now, mixed together in the right way, these highly dangerous ingredients can create a Wonka Bar!!!!

Kids: Cheer!

Mr. Turkentine: The trick is to pour them in in equal amounts. Now, Charlie, you take that bottle, and I'll take my own special mixture.  You ready?  Good lad, pour.

(Boy makes a cow horn on top of Turkey’s head. Makes hush sign at audience)

     (They pour slowly; the mixture emits a small boom and a large puff of smoke.  The kids cheer.) (Sound effects.)

CHARLIE: Did we do it wrong?

MR. TURKENTINE: No, certainly not; it’s brown and creamy.

Kids: Cheer again.

Charlie: Is it chocolate?

Mr. Turkentine: Most certainly!

Kids: Cheer once more.

Jane: I want a wonka bar!!! (Rushes up and dips in her finger.)

Mr. Turkentine: NOOOOO!!!! Stop! I haven’t---

Jane: (Spits out) Ewww! Wart removal cream!

(Whole class cheers and snigger.)

     (Commotion in the hall.) (Winkelmann stomping)

MR. TURKENTINE:  Now what's going on out there?

 (Mr. Turkentine opens the door.)

MR. TURKENTINE: You, Winkelmann, come here.  What's happening?

(Class chats, looks at Winkelmann)

WINKELMANN: (Comes in, starts shaking Turk’s hand vigorously) Hey man. Willy Wonka's opening his factory; he's gonna let people in.

(Kids: Cheer.)

MR. TURKENTINE: (stuttering, Winkelmann hasn’t let go) Are you sure?

WINKELMANN: It's on the radio. (dumps Turk’s hand, holds his own’s up, and turns round and round, doing the pixie dance) And he's giving truckloads of chocolate away!!!

MR. TURKENTINE: Class dismissed!

(Kids: BIG cheer.)

WINKELMANN: No, no, it's only for five(hold up 5 fingers) people.

MR. TURKENTINE: Class un-dismissed.

(Kids: BIG BOO!)

WINKELMANN: He's hidden five Golden Tickets, and the people who find them will win the big prize. (turns to prance out)

Kids: Oooooo!!! (chatter in crescendo)

MR. TURKENTINE: Shush!!!(frantically grabs at Winkelmann, who’s about to leave) WAIT! Where has he hidden the tickets?

WINKELMANN: Inside five Wonka Bars!  You gotta buy Wonka Bars to find 'em, man?!

MR. TURKENTINE: (wipes brow) Class re-dismissed!

Kids: Yeah!

Boy: I want that ticket!!!

GIRL: (Midst of cheering) I'm going to buy a hundred bars!

BOY: I'm gonna buy the whole store! (Excited)

Jane: (takes off running) Let’s go!

Tom: Charlie, you coming?

Charlie: No…

Girl: Humph! You’re such a nerd…you’ll know you’re missing out on something later! (run away) Come on Tom!

Scene 2 On the Street 

Charlie: (says sadly to himself) I guess I’ll never see the Wonka Factory. (sighs) I don’t even have a penny! How can I buy a bar of chocolate? (miserable) I can’t even buy a sizzler, let alone a golden ticket…

Boy: (In a hurry, runs across the street) Ouch! My ankle! Now I will never get to be the first one to reach the store!(Fumbling with wallet and accidently drops a few coins.)

Charlie: (Looks up, sees coins, run after boy.) Hey! Christopher! You dropped something! (Picks money up.) Christopher! (Waves money.) Hey! You dr---

Boy: (Already too far to hear Charlie.) Sound effect -- I’m the last one……(echo the last one)

Charlie: (face brightens up) Yay! Money money money! Choc choc, here I come! Wait up guys! I’m coming!

Scene 3 Bill’s Candy Shop

 (Kids run from school to the Candy Shop.) (Waving money)

 (Kids enter, yelling.)

KIDS: (yelling) Sizzler!  I want a Sizzler!

BILL: All right, all right, all right, what's it going to be?  A triple cream cup for Christopher . . .

KIDS: (yelling) A Squelchy Snorter!

BILL: A Squelchy Snorter for Otis . . .

GIRL: I want a Squelchy Snorter . . .

Jane: I want a gobstopper!

Kids: (More yells) ME! ME!

BILL: A Sizzler for June Marie . . .

BOY: C'mon, give me a Sizzler . . .

Jane: How about me? Where’s my gobstopper?!

BILL: And listen up!  Wonka's got a new one today.

KIDS: What is it? (Quiet down)

BILL: (Quiet) This is called a (throw hands out) Scrumdidilyumptious Bar!

WINKELMANN: (mispronouncing) Scrumbibilyunctious Bar?  How does he do it?

(sniggers)

BILL: My dear boy, do you ask a fish how it swims?

WINKELMANN: No . . .

(Kids: Snigger.)

BILL: Or a bird how it flies?

WINKELMANN: No . . .

(Kids: Snigger).

BILL: No sirree, you don't!  They do it because they were born to do it.  Just like Willy Wonka was born to be a candy man, you look like you were born to be a Wonkarer.

Kids: Ah! (Chatter starts up again. All buy choc and go away)

CHARLIE: (shyly, clears his throat) Hi.

BILL: Hi. (not looking at Charlie)

CHARLIE: (Quietly) I'd like a bar of chocolate please. 

BILL: Yeah, sure.  What kind? (holds up bars as he speaks) A Slugworth Sizzler?  A Wonka Scrumdidilyumptious? (Boomy voice)

CHARLIE: Ummm… (looking at both) Whichever's the biggest.

BILL: Try a Scrumdidilyumptious. (Clears his throat and holds out his hand.  Charlie pays.)  

CHARLIE: Bye bye. (Looks longingly at the candy shelf for a few moments.)

BILL: Yes? (twitches nose)

CHARLIE: I think I'll buy just one more, for my Grandpa Joe. (Slowly)

BILL: Sure.  Why not try a regular Wonka Bar this time?

CHARLIE: Okay. (Counts money) I haven’t enough though!

Bill: Never mind, it’s on me. (pats chest)

Charlie: Thank you so much!

     (Charlie opens his Wonka Bar; there is the Golden Ticket!)

Charlie & Bill: Oh my! (Gasp)

Boy: (Peering over Charlie’s shoulder) Hey, you've got it!  You've got a Golden Ticket!  Charlie's found a Golden Ticket!  Hold it up, Charlie, so we can see! (Excited)

WOMAN : Hey, let me see it!

Boy: It really is gold!

BILL: Stand back there.  Leave the boy alone!

Boy: Hey, Charlie, come over here. I am your classmate. Let me see it first! (eyebrows go up and down. Tries to push against strong Bill)

Jane: Let me see it! Did you see what he's got?

BILL: You're going to kill him!  Leave him alone!  Break it up.

Boy: Let me see it!  Over here, show it over here!

WOMAN: It really is gold! Hey, good chap, I’ll buy it for a hundred dollars. (holds up crisp bills)

Boy: I wanna see it. I’ll buy it for two hundred dollars. (waves money) Hey, Charlie . . . (Pushes against them)

Jane: No I’ll buy it. My father’s a big tycoon. I’ll give you four hundred dollars for that ticket, Charlie.

Crowd: (Over-excited mob, pushes against Charlie and Bill) Let me see!

BILL: (frantically turns to look at Charlie) Come on, kid!  Hold on to that ticket!  Run for it, Charlie!  Run straight home and don't stop 'til you get there! (Yelling)

     (Charlie pushes through mob and starts running home.)

Crowd: (Crowd chases across the street) Hey come back here!!!

(Bill tries frantically to block them reaching Charlie)

Boy: Five hundred dollars! (Waves money)

Jane: Eight hundred dollars! (Waves money)

Boy: One thousand … (Crazy)

Woman: Ten thousand!!!!!!

Crowd + sound effects: (In a frenzy) Hey, hey, hey! Come back, come back… (Screaming and crazy, they chase Charlie and Bill off the stage.)

~The End~

The Loony Bunch

I wrote this last year in Form 1 when Miss Suthiphongchai was my teacher. We all called her Miss Su, and I think you know why...

The Loony Bunch (feel free to try this out!)

Act 1 : Mrs. Pratchett’s Candy Shop

P: (Licks hand and puts it in a cookie jar. Waits a moment, feels bored and sticks grubby finger up nose.)

AWS: (Walks into the shop sees P picking her nose.) Ewwwwww! Disgusting! Revolting!

P: I never say welcome to my customers. Ya just keep those slimy fingers off ma precious caaaaaandieeeees.

A: You’re the only who has slimy fingers!

P: Shaddup, ya silly wretched girl.

W: Lady, do you know that on an average thumbnail, there are 1 million bacteria? And do you that you should wash yer hands every hour to keep them 25% clean? And do you know…..

P: Old man, I don’t care for no brains.

S: Nothing compared to a good old jog. (Jogs on the spot.)

P: (This time scratches armpits, then shoves hand into sugar-mice jar.

A: EWWWWWWWWW!

B: Hey sorry guys, I had a severe case of diarrhea. How’s it all goin’ ? Bought any candy? (Picks a bunch of lemon drops and pops them into his mouth. Chews slowly and walks out of the candy shop.) (From backstage) Hmmmmm… Finger-flavoured lemon drops? Not ma cup o’ coffee!

W: He just ate dirt!

S: That’s nothing! You won’t die of Pratchett disease, but you will suffer when you stop jogging more than two minutes.

P: Hey, Bill didn’t pay me no money!!! (Runs out of candy shop after the long-gone Bill.)

Bill: I got no money!

Pratchett: Well well well. He he. Then ya gotta let me join yer tour fer freeeeeeeeee! (screeching)

Bill: Okay…

Scene 2---In the jeep driving on the road

Bill: Don’t you just love nature? See that bush? Fantastic! And can you see…

P: Just watch where you’re driving! (Snappy)

Bill: Okay. But you ought to take time and appreciate the beauty of the natural… SCREEEECH!

All: AHHHHH!

Pratchett: Told you!

Anna: Oh no!! We are trapped in the safari!!

Bill: It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.

Wood: Experts have shown that there will be a 70 percent of dying rate if trapped in the safari.

Sport: Whoa! Let’s jog our way out, dudes!!

Bill: It’s ok! It’s ok! It’s ok!

Prat: It ain’t not ok, or I’m gonna hit your head off!!

(Bill driving jeep while talking)

Bill: Come on everybody. Please calm down. See that waterhole? It’s so …

(Brakes screech. Everyone lurches forward)

All: AHHHHHHHHH!!! We crashed into a termite hill!

Anna: EWWW!

Prat: Hehehe!! Termites are just right for filthy forks as candies!

Wood: Termites are believed to be filthy, dirty, disgusting pests that will cause timber and agriculture damage. They mostly feed on dead plant…

Sport: Hoiy! Have you had enough!

(Termites crawling under their feet)

Anna: Ew! Termites under our feet!!

(Anna and Prat jumping up and down)

Sport: Pik those legs uuup! (demonstrate by jumping really high)

Bill: Calm down. Calm down. We should just get back to the car.

(All climbs up on the car)

(Bill tries to start the jeep but can’t)

Bill: Uh Oh!. It isn’t working!

Prat: You filthy beast!

Bill: I’m sorry everyone…but today’s the sign of Alpha, which means unlucky…

Sport: Ooosh! We’re dead as a dodo!

Anna: (suddenly points her finger to their right) Ew! Ew! Ew! Ah! (everyone starts at her direction)

Sport: Hoiy!! What is that?

Wood: Hm...according to the California State University, it is an antelope.

Bill: For the first time, brainy, you’re wrong. It’s a wilderbeest.

Prat: Either you forks charge that beast, or ain’t gonna have no candy!

Anna: (in a squeaky voice)Ah! Run! Run! Run!

Sport: Fasta! Fasta! Fasta!

(all runs towards a bush and hides)

Bill: Phew! I thought we were going to die. Now let’s find a way out. (leaves)

Sport: I’ll go the other way, okay?

Bill: Fine. Go look for the fantastic giraffe, they have a tongue three inches long! (Points)

We Turn Against Each Other

W: According to my information, this bush is completely hidden and there is no way for anybody to find us, unless Running Sport comes back here and finds us missing.

P: (shrieking) IT’S ALL HIS FAULT!!! (pointing at Bill) HE LED US INTO THIS TRAP! HE MUST WORK FOR THE CANNIBALS!!! aHHHH~

B: Calm down, Candy! No I don’t work for the cannibals, I think human flesh tastes disgusting!

A: But how do you know human flesh tastes disgusting if you haven’t tried it before?

Bill: Er… Erm…

W: According to my info, human flesh has the taste and texture of beef, except a little sweeter in taste and a little softer in texture. Contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken.

A: EWWWW!!!!! That is DISGUSTING!

P: (points at Bill) HE WANTS TO SEPARATE ME FROM MY DEAR RUNNING!!!

(ALL start bickering)

B: (Bellowing) PLEASE! Arguing isn’t going to help anything! We need to solve this in a logical way!

A: He’s right, we should be logical.

W: That is the only solution, guys.

P: (reluctantly) AL-RIGHT. But I’m NOT going ANYWHERE near CANNIBALS.

B: Ok…….. we need a plan…….. Hmmmm (thinking)

W: I think we should shout to attract attention by making some noise!

P: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Everybody covers ears)

A: What was THAT for?!

P: Ah…..nothing…… just trying out my lungs……

B: That’s great! She’s really loud!

W: Let’s all bellow at the top of our voices. Oh, and at the same pitch, it gives more resonance.

B: Everybody…..ahh……. (giving note)

ALL: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(animal sounds in the distance)

P: I HEAR SOMETHING!

B: Me too……… Shh….. everybody…….

W: It sounds like a safari animal.

A: Well of COURSE it’s a safari animal. (rolls eyes)

P: I just can’t remember…….. I’ve heard sound before…….

(all think)

ALL: I KNOW! It’s an ELEPHANT!

~End of Scene~

Elephant To The Rescue

(Narrator: Meanwhile, the Sports Teacher, Running Sport, has been jogging in the safari.)

S: Hmm….. It’s getting dark, I must head back to the bush.

(starts heading in other direction, jogs to the bush)

S: Oh no! What is THIS?! Wilderbeest hoove marks!

S: My dear Candy! She is not here! Nor are the others! Where are they? And why has the bush been blown up?!

(Walks around the bush, kneels down)

S: Sobbing… Boo- hooo…

(hears sounds of shouting)

S: They must be trapped in that bush! But it is too dangerous to go in there, I might get trapped too………

(Sees an elephant in the distance)

S: I have an idea! (Takes P’s candies out of pocket) Ahh…. I always knew Candy’s amazing confectionery would come in handy someday.

(Throws a worm into the bush, with accuracy to the spot)

(Elephant scrambles around the bush for the worm, opening a path right up to where the others are trapped)

(S runs up to them)

S: Oh Candy! I am SO glad to see you again!

P: ME TOO HONEY!! I thought I would be eaten by CANNIBALS! I thought I’d never see you again! ( on the verge of tears)

S: Don’t cry, honey…… It makes me so sad………

A: EWWWWW!!!! That’s so SWEET I want to PUKE!

W: According to my information, this kind of actions is not suitable for children under 18 years of age. I also suggest that Anna NOT puke, because vomit contains a lot of different kinds of germs.

P: Do you know that I can make candy from PUKE?

S: Oh my DEAR, that is SUCH GENIUS!

Others: UGHHHHH………..

~End of Scene~

The Loony Bunch-Wedding scene:

Setting: Church inside the safari

W: (Clear his throat) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that today is the union of two faithful souls.

(Bell chimes, P and S comes in and smiles at each other, A walks behind them)

W: May we present, Mr Bill, to conduct the ceremony.

(P jogs at the spot, S licks her fingers and A picks her nose)

W: Stop it, three of you. Do you want to spoil your wedding? For your information, running makes you sweat, and sweat contains the chemicals of odorants 2-methylphenol and 4-methylphenol, as well as a small amount of urea which will give you an unpleasant smell. As for you two ladies…

B: (shouts) Do you want this wedding to continue or not?

(Everyone fells silent and remained still. A and W retreated to their seats.)

B: Do you, Running Sport, take Candy Pratchett, as your legally approved wife?

S: I told you that I don’t want to have these silly ceremonies! Of course I do!

B: Then we proceed. Do you, Candy Pratchett, take Run…

P: I do! Give us those silly papers to sign now!

(S and P embrace each other, Sport hands Pratchett a candy ring)

Pratchett: Oh dearie, a candy ring made of worms! How thoughtful, Sport!

A: (sniff) Awww… that was so sweet…

W: I don’t personally think their life after will be sweet, judged by…

A: Don’t spoil the wedding!

(S and P sign papers while A and W are talking)

B: Then I declare you bonded by life.

(S and P embrace while A and W cheer)

A and W: Congratulations!

S: Candy, will you join me in running in this jungle, so that we can spend time alone…

P: Of course, Darling! Do you want some of my flobberworm gums?

S: We’ll eat them while we’re running…

(S and P jogs off)

A: (Crying) I am so happy for them. Believe it or not, they’re a married couple!

W: Well, let’s go. There isn’t anything for us to do here.

(A, W and B walks away)

(Everyone comes out again)

Bill: And that was the end of the loony bunch. Thank you.